Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
