I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
