so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Randomize
