I wish my penis had an off switch
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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