I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
