Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
