I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
