bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
