I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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