You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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