considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
