She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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