Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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