I just cut my nipple shaving
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
