So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
