Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
