two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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