i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
