i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
