My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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