I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
