i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
