Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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