My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
