he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you would pick up someone in the library
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
