I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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