So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
