My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
