I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
