Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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