everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
