Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
