Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
