For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
