I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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