my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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