I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
