Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
