I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
