it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
