so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
