and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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