pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Randomize
