Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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