so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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