I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
