he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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