So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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