saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
