Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
