he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
