I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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