I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
